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发表于 2010-3-21 22:57:16
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其实第一个人英语没你评那么好，语法错误已经很多了，各重要的是读起来太蹩脚。
1）After 13 years and 2 beautiful children together, Yale and I have parted our ways. Yale moved out last week.
这一句话就很多细节错误。时态错，用词错，语法有问题，语句多余。
改：After spending 13 years together and having 2 beautiful kids, Yale and I separated last week.
2）On the very same day, December 18th, 2009, on an afternoon flight, you and Yale took off for the beaches of Phuket and shopping streets of Bangkok for Christmas vacation
这句话基本上就是很乱，狗屁不通。前面都说过日期还提什么？take off只能指飞机，指人就不是起飞的意思。而且语言冗长啰嗦，这样重点就没了，完全要重写。
改：However，you （idiots） headed for Phuket-beach and Bankok-shopping center on the very same day without saying a (mother-fucking) word.
3）Diane, as a fellow woman, I often wondered if the level of ecstasy this vacation had brought you equates to the level of devastation this vacation had brought to my children and me.
这句话基本上就是和老太太裹脚布一样又臭又长。而且逻辑有问题，often用的不符合语义。照原文改也改不好看，要重写。
改：I always wondered whether your superfluous ecstasy could becalm our kids' devastations or not.
4)I often asked myself what was it like ...
这也能错。这也能算6级啊，那6级到底什么水平。口语上错了还有情可原。。后面接的话就不惜的改了。
改：I often asked myself what it was like ...
5）I wondered if you ever thought about us, the children and the wife, that we are made of flesh and blood, that we have feelings, that we could get hurt, very hurt, devastatingly hurt
时态错，写的太做做，没有到写诗词的水平最好别这么写。让人听起来起鸡皮疙瘩。
改：I wondered if you have ever thought of my and our kids' feelings or ever considered about our shattered hearts.
6)Your clothes were in our Beijing home
英语好的人绝对不会这么写。让人读起来就是一惊。
7）My children are hurt. My daughter, 9 years old, now says "Mommy, I don't ever want to get married."
壮语放的很乱，而且他闺女简直是胡说八道！
改：My children are hurt. My 9 years old daughter says "Mommy, I will never get married."
8)My son, 8 years old, says "Diane is our Voldemort!"
听起来感觉是在开玩笑一样。语境写写就乱套了。
9）The psychological damage this affair has done to my children is catastrophic. They are forever emotionally damaged.
语义很乱，affair指向不清楚。前面刚刚说是psychological 后面马上就又来什么emotional,这不是找刺激吗。而且emotionally可能被damage吗，难道我们这里讨论的是奇迹。
10）This affair has taught me tear supply can actually be infinite
哎~读这个真能有让人爆笑的效果。要谈什么tear supply，infinite 难道这是医学论文+数学分析？能换别的词不？
11）This affair has crushed me, leaving me a corpse walking around with no heart。
这是僵尸。我最喜欢看恐怖片了。
12）I don't know how to deal with this kind of pain. I don't know how to move on. But I have children. I must move on
这么简单的话，虽然听起来很无聊，至少没有错误。赞一下。 |
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